The emotions behind “Should”

I’ve been told ‘should’ was a negative thing to tell yourself and that it is best removed from daily life. That ‘shoulding’ on yourself was a belittling way of dealing with problems. I can see that point of view. At the end of the day, the list of “I should have…” stacks up high sometimes.

The woman I was meant to be

I have found it comes in cycles. Now, whether that has to do with my bipolar I’m not sure. I could blame the insane weather this winter/spring has been, but that would be all too easy. No, I think it’s because after each episode I learn a bit more about myself.

Monsters are real

How far can an angel fall before it become the MONSTER that humans fear?

Finding peace?

Tomorrow is another day… the sun will shine according to the weatherman. I plan on doing the best I can. I need to find more compassion for myself, more gratitude and learn that some things are just not in my control.

Finding my artistic voice

Years ago I went to college for photography. A means to connect with others, whom I thought that their opinions, and teachings would enlighten me; possibly even give me a feeling of worth. After three years what I learned is that we’re all a bit scared of the world. We place too much emphasis on the ideals, rules and strict code of social pressures to conform. The more we give in to those ‘suggestions’, we tear a little piece of ourselves away from our authentic selves.

Will the REAL me please come forward

I need to grow up. Wow, that sounds weird! I don’t mean that I’m childish. I am emotionally deficient at dealing with life. Accepting that is hard. It leaves me vulnerable, but I feel better at the same time just saying it out loud. I wasn’t taught how to deal with the traumas in my life. I had no support then, so I did what a child did and self-soothed as best I could.

Done fighting (with myself)

What do I want? What does make me happy? What do I need to make me feel satisfied with life?

Those are some pretty big questions. Ones that I’ve never truly answered honestly nor stuck to when I believed that my needs/wants/values went sideways from others around me. I would cave to internal pressure to be loved, wanted, and accepted at all costs. The problem with this is I have a deep resentment that builds up.

Can’t sleep — deprivation of needs

What I have learned is a possible root problem for my lack of sleep. My racing mind and believing I don’t deserve to have quality sleep. Weird, yes but understandable given that I’m prone to vivid dreams of past traumas and I do not wake up rested. Most nights I wake up at least every 30-40 minutes due to my brain activity.